Holy Bible
The Holy Bible AKA "The Good Book" or "America's Book" or "the only fucking way to please George Bush!"is the Christian's guide to life, the universe and everything. It contains the tale of Jesus and tells of how God gave Stephen Colbert The United States Constitution while he single-handedly battled the evil British Empire. The latter story was adapted to film and is now known as Star Wars. The Bible contains The Wørd of God and is 100% truthiness. Everything in the Bible is meant to be taken literally. It is a historical document. The Bible may not be eaten, especially by bears, which are - as stated in the Gospel of Stephen - godless killing machines. The Bible also prophesies that World War III will destroy the Middle East, and then Jesus will come on a cloud of glory and Rapture up all of the true believers who support The Greatest President EVER! The Bible is not ordinary book, since books are all fact and no heart: as any true american should know. its the gand source of Truthiness AKA Truthibook! The Books Written by Jesus in Old English and later translated into American, The Bible has an "Old Testament" and a "New and Improved Testament". Each "Testament" is divided into "Books"; each "Book" into "Verses". The really truthy "Verses" are inked in the still red blood of Christ our lord and savior. This allows them to be read alone and without regard for the other, less truthy, material. Also, its widely known that Christ’s blood is the one blood bears are not thirsty for. (This was used by Grizzly Adams to harness the power of these Godless Killing Machines until he was torn to shreds in an incident involving one of those fake The Bibles with a hole in it to stash money.(Or a rock hammer if you are in Shawshank State Prison.))(Note: Grizzly Adams also proved bears will eat right through wads of hundred-dollar bills; even the rich aren't safe!) Because Stephen Colbert is not a Jew this article will not cover the "Jew Testament". Here is a list of the "Books" in the "New and Improved Testament": The Gospels The History The original Bible was a comic book that was created in a freak accident involving lightning, a gamma ray burst, and a pack of skittles that contained no orange, as all the best books are. It was filled with illustrations of Jesus, Stephen, George W. Bush (as Bat Man) and John McCain (as Robin, the boy wonder) battling Satan, and it was a landmark of truthiness and faithiness. But during the Protestant reformation, King Henry VIII ordered the bible be made boring and facty so that the "good book" would be too confusing for anyone to understand. A few editions of the comic still remain on display at the Vatican, but they are now considered too powerful for mortals. Stephen has the entire collection. These historical accounts, however, are plainly false, as Jesus invented the REAL Bible™ in 1953 on live Television using His Jesus Powers. * Acts The Spam Apocalypse * All You Need To Know Critics Despite being ultimate divine truthiness, people still have the audacity to question the Bible instead of following its every word without proof as God intended. This anti-Bible campaign is spearheaded by none other than the heathen Richard Dawkins. Beware! The heathen Dawkins has no morals whatsoever, and may even use big words that scare most people. Again, search your guts, and you will find that the answer is obvious, as usual. I'm sorry Dawkins, but I guess God's word outweighs man's logic. You can go burn in hell with all the other bears and liberals. Libruls also make up Bible Verses©, just to mess with True Believers. They call this proverbiness. Bible Trivia * If people really followed the bible, they would know that they should be able to execute their disobedient children (Mark 7:9-7:11). This is reaffirmed in Matthew 15:3-15:5. * It has been said that Stephen Colbert made the Bible, but this is not quite the case. The Bible was made for him by God. Close, though. * It has also been said that the first edition of the Bible was written in an ink made from the seed of Stephen Colbert, however, this is merely a myth. * It consists of thousands and thousands of very thin pages, useful for making spliffs. * The Message version of The Bible states, in Exodus 22:28 "Don't curse God, and don't damn your leaders." * The first draft of the Bible was called the Dead Sea Scrolls. * The second draft was the Torah. * The third draft was the Qur'an. * The fourth draft was the Book of Mormon. * The fifth draft was the King James Bible. * The sixth draft was the Gideon Bible. * The seventh draft was the Book of the Dead. * The eighth draft was the Book of Merlin. * The ninth draft was the Lord of the Rings. * The tenth draft was the Vedas. * The eleventh draft was the the Presidential Oath of Office. * The twelfth draft was the The United States Constitution. * The thirteenth and final draft was the perfected, complete Bible, every word of which is unquestionably true, infallible and perfect. * The fourteenth edition should be available sometime in the year 2010. If you preorder now you can get a copy signed by Jesus! *The Holy Bible is sacred and even more sacred when bound in fine corinthian leather. *According to Mickey Mantle 11:1-14:3. "Thou shalft not hitteth thy ball of the base thrown by thy holy pithcer preist with any less than force of 15 Akthonorj or any more than 150.5789 Akthonorj. The Bible Paradox Despite being the foundation for all that is true in the world, the Bible itself presents an immense paradox, for while the Bible is the word of God, meaning it cannot be doubted, the Bible is also a book, meaning it cannot be trusted. Furthermore, being a book, it is associated with infamous atheist Richard Dawkins's lame book. Using logic, we can deduce that since the Bible is God's word, and the bible is a book, and since "The God Delusion" is also a book, God's word is God's delusion. This changes everything. This means that the government that governs best ISN'T the government that governs least; this means that wealth does NOT trickle down to the middle class; this means that George W Bush will NOT deliver the Holy Land to America. However, the bible says that God's word is the ultimate truth, and God says that Richard Dawkins will burn in the eternal lake of fire. In this eternal lake of fire, Dawkins' pants will surely catch fire, making him a liar. Since Dawkins lies, his book also lies, and since all books are false, Dawkins' book lies about being false, making it true, and therefore making it not a book, and incomparable to the bible, which in retrospect is not like a book at all but more like Ultimate Divine Truth. Crisis averted. See Also * Sin * Heavenly Virtues * Prayer * "Cooking The Bible" * Biblican * The Bible goes to the Web Tubes Divine Tubes *God to Publish a New Conservative Bible It is already a best seller already!!!! Conservapedia gives it their seal of approval *Texas to introduce New Bibles on their schools *Bible 2.0: Online *The Phantom Bible: Real American Edition *Real Christian sacrifices public money to distribute free bibles